Dear Reader,

We would like to sincerely apologize for offending your delicate sensibilities.

Had we exercised better judgment, we would have certainly realized that disparaging the practice of sacrificing kittens to Zurbooza The God of Igneous Rocks with a DR Power Chipper would offend your deeply-held religious beliefs. We realize now that this regrettable display of intolerance has deeply wounded your tender psyche and caused in you an aversion to seeking effective treatment options for your chronic hemorrhoids.

It was not our intent to cause you irreversable mental anguish, and we regret very deeply that you are convinced that aliens are sneaking into your house and stealing from the stash of Hostess Twinkies you keep under your bed.

Although it will take years of group therapy to work through the trauma of realizing that the chemical properties your body odor have been commercially marketed as a riot control agent by Haliburton, we would be happy to provide chemical protective gear to members of your support group so they can tolerate your presence until scientists can develop a treatment that can provide you with relief. Please let us know how many gas masks you require.

With our most sincere apologies,
The Staff At Black Velvet Bruce Li

PS: If you feel that this apology is insufficient, please hit the refresh button on your browser in order to receive another.