Dear Reader,

We would like to sincerely apologize for offending your delicate sensibilities.

We deeply regret that the mental disorder you tragically suffer from has developed into a full-blown clinical psychosis as a result of being told that the Cow actually says "Moo" instead of "Take me to your leader". Fear not however, as you can still safely enjoy the nutritional benefits of the belly button lint of yourself and others, the consumption of which currently has no proven adverse effects.

It was not our intent to cause you irreversable mental anguish, and we regret very deeply that you are convinced that aliens are sneaking into your house and stealing from the stash of Hostess Twinkies you keep under your bed.

Although it will take years of group therapy to work through the trauma of realizing that the chemical properties your body odor have been commercially marketed as a riot control agent by Haliburton, we would be happy to provide chemical protective gear to members of your support group so they can tolerate your presence until scientists can develop a treatment that can provide you with relief. Please let us know how many gas masks you require.

With our most sincere apologies,
The Staff At Black Velvet Bruce Li

PS: If you feel that this apology is insufficient, please hit the refresh button on your browser in order to receive another.