We would like to sincerely apologize for offending your delicate sensibilities.
Had we exercised better judgment, we would have certainly realized that disparaging the practice of sacrificing kittens to Zurbooza The God of Igneous Rocks with a DR Power Chipper would offend your deeply-held religious beliefs. We realize now that this regrettable display of intolerance has deeply wounded your tender psyche and caused in you an aversion to seeking effective treatment options for your chronic hemorrhoids.
It was not our intent to cause you irreversable mental anguish, and we regret very deeply that you now impersonate Marylin Manson while performing your job as a gas station attendant.
Although the experience of reading this website has regrettably caused such deep personal harm, we hope you can take solace in the fact that you have the power to dramatically improve the quality, performance and experience of the human species by smearing yourself with bacon drippings and leaping into the tiger enclosure of your nearest zoological park. We can guarantee that within a few short moments, this would result in a measurable improvement in the collective mental wellness of the nation we love so dearly. It's an idea worthy of your consideration.
With our most sincere apologies,
The Staff At Black Velvet Bruce Li
PS: If you feel that this apology is insufficient, please hit the refresh button on your browser in order to receive another.