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Undercover Report On Manassas Park
By Greg L | 7 February 2007 | Manassas Park, Humor & Satire | 2 Comments
I sent BVBL undercover operative “Lo Chen” to look into the Manassas Park City government, and he files this report:
I crossed the border into the People’s Democratic Republic of Manassas Park (PDRMP) in search of Mayor Frank “Dear Leader” Jones, yesterday. It was a difficult challenge to locate this elusive politician, who is referred to as “Dear Leader Comrade Generlissimo, The Sun, and Shining Hope of Mankind”. Few pictures of him exist, but I was able to snap this photo of him with the entourage of Internal Security Minister John Evans while they were touring the new police station, which you can see in the background.
I approached “Dear Leader” and he was kind enough to speak with me for a few moments. I asked him how his working relationship was with Manassas City Mayor Douglas Waldron, just across the border. Apparently it’s not very productive, as his response was that “nobody ever hosts video marathons of Doug Waldron because he is a mental retard and has no girlfriends.” Dear Leader’s regime seems to have a fascination with movies and photography, and rumors of young female Manassas City residents being abducted to the basements of members of the city politburo for “special photography” sessions have long circulated. Anyways, there’s a lot of tension between these two neighbors.
“Dear Leader” commented that Democratic People’s Republic of Manassas Park is “an example to all humanity of what a modern, democratic state should be where people enjoy absolute freedom such as adbundant human rights”. To achieve this, the leadership of Manassas Park has embraced a concept of “self-reliance”, or “juche” whereby the party leadership declines to participate in political activities and takes active measures to prevent them from occurring, unless they are sanctioned by “Dear Leader” himself. The PDRMP Party Secretary, who may be eitherr William Treuting or Kevin Brendel (the exact structure of the party leadership is a closely held secret), has thus been given strict orders to not answer his telephone nor open his door, in order to, as “Dear Leader” described:
“frustrate the war-crazed bloodthirsty Manassas City imperialism as triumphed by Doug Waldron who commit genocide and war-crimes like of which rival that of the middle ages where United States often attacked peace loving countries such as France in 1944 in a deluded bid to go against the flow of the times and expand territory in order to create living space for Jews who are the worst kind…”
Well, you get the idea. I then set out to see what “juche” looks like in practice. After negotiating my way through a “spontaneous expression of love for Dear Leader” which involved a bunch of people wearing Virginia Railway Express engineer hats and performing some strange dance, I happened upon some Ministry of Interior Security troops questioning a man for tucking in his pants. Then five of these troops, with guns drawn helped deal with “an obvious imperialist spy” who had urinated in a parking lot. Around the corner, about ninety of them donned ski masks and burst into a local establishment and jubilantly emerged a few minutes later holding aloft two twelve ounce bottles of spanish beer and chanting “your permit is revoked!”. The Ministry of Interior Security Troops sure stay busy keeping Manassas Park on the unwavering path laid out by “Dear Leader”.
Next I went to the site of “Town Center”, which seems to be a key component of “Dear Leader’s” plan for “perpetual prosperity and glorious happiness and peace”. The rendition at left shows “Dear Leader” (on the right) showing a member of the city politburo the completed project, which gives you an idea of the massive scope of the undertaking. The construction site was busy with workers preparing the site, which was delayed for a few months by a purge of the previous developer. Now in the hands of politically trustworthy leadership, the project is moving along, as you can see at right.
By this time I had seen enough of the worker’s paradise, and made my way back across the border into Manassas City soon thereafter. An indescribable feeling of relief washed over me as I passed back into freedom, and made me all the more proud to be a citizen of Manassas.
Thanks “Lo Chen” for undertaking a difficult and dangerous mission, and for this very informative report.
The opinions expressed here are solely the views of the author, and not representative of the position of any organization, political party, doughnut shop, knitting guild, or waste recycling facility, but may be correctly attributed to the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. If anything in the above article has offended you, please click here to receive an immediate apology.
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It sometimes feels that way as you drive through the park; like you’ve entered another country. If you are reading this Mr. Mayor and Chief Evans you should both be ashamed of yourselves for allowing the things that go on in this town.
I live south of the DMZ in Manassas. We have tried to implement the Sunshine Policy, allowing free and open trade with those in the north, and allow families divided by the most cruel policies of the “Dear Leader”. I have heard that local merchants are being harrased by the Secret Police in the north, and their dogs are taken to be served as Bulgogi at the tables of the council.