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A Surprising “Dear Abby” Letter

By Greg L | 20 August 2008 | National Politics, Humor & Satire | 18 Comments

Maybe someone here could help this poor guy out…

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Woodbridge, Virginia who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. One of my sisters lives in Alexandria and is married to a transvestite.¬† My parents live in Richmond and have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in D.C. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Wallens Ridge State Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Vienna. She is a part time ‘working girl’.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

At least the cousin isn’t supporting Bill Day.



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18 Comments

  1. Anonymous said on 21 Aug 2008 at 5:41 am:
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    Now that’s funny!

  2. zeezil said on 21 Aug 2008 at 8:08 am:
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    Now that right there is funny.

  3. Arlington Minority said on 21 Aug 2008 at 8:49 am:
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    The answer is “no”. Voting for a pro-infanticide candidate would really put the family’s reputation at risk!

  4. Anonymous said on 21 Aug 2008 at 9:34 am:
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    For a cute bit of humor, I further commend you to last week’s (8/14/08)Onion front page article:

    “Obama’s Hillbilly Half-Brother Threatening to Derail Campaign.” I laughed so hard, I was almost crying when I read it.

    I’m soooo happy the Onion is available in print editions. Perfect for Metro riders like me. Also, I was sitting across from an Obama supporter who looked at me disapprovingly every time I’d try to muffle my snickering. Libs can be so humorless sometimes. I offered to give him my paper when I was finished with it, but he just scowled at me and proclaimed the Onion not funny. (Sorry. The Onion is funny.)

  5. Belle Hertanez said on 21 Aug 2008 at 11:06 am:
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    … no comment …

  6. me-n-u said on 21 Aug 2008 at 2:05 pm:
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    Off topic, but wanted to let all of you know that Altmed is in the process of being cleaned up by the county. Weeds cut and trash cleaned. However it has been trashed again since the clean up. To see before and after shots go to on page one:
    http://good-times.webshots.com/album/561669970OfmqBg

  7. Johnson said on 21 Aug 2008 at 3:00 pm:
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    “Lord, I apologize for that there…”

  8. me-n-u said on 21 Aug 2008 at 3:03 pm:
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    All, I am posting this here because I want to make sure EVERYONE see’s this. I just got the okay from the property management company that owns the property across the street from the 7-11 and the vacant building on Coverstone, for ANYONE to call the police if you see the day labors on their property. 703-792-6500. They DON’T want them there!

    The property is on the corner of Sage and Coverstone and the day labors have set up camp there. It looks like we will be able to clear that area out of day labors if everyone will help.

  9. Brian Leeper said on 21 Aug 2008 at 5:28 pm:
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    That photo of the electric meter missing the cover, quite frankly, scares me.

    There are live wires inside of that thing, and someone needs to call the power company (probably NOVEC; could be Dominion) that serves the Altmed building to let them know about it, if it hasn’t already been fixed.

    703-335-0500 for NOVEC

    1-888-667-3000 for Dominion.

  10. Brian Leeper said on 21 Aug 2008 at 5:38 pm:
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    I called NOVEC and reported the problem (they confirmed that they do serve 7320 Sudley Rd) since the photo was uploaded today so presumably the meter cover is still laying on the ground.

    NOVEC said they would take care of it.

  11. Brian Leeper said on 21 Aug 2008 at 5:45 pm:
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    I expect that NOVEC will just disconnect the service drop at the transformer.

    I wonder if someone thought they’d find a lot of nice copper inside the meter base to steal. I expect they were quite disappointed. Service drops are almost always aluminum.

  12. edwardg said on 21 Aug 2008 at 8:30 pm:
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    Funniest dear Abby ever…But I’m wondering how many hillbillys in North carolina are arming themselves because they heard Georgia was being attacked by Russians. …….AND ..The Great Wall Of China was built to keep the Mexicans OUT.. I guess it worked … But, I would like to see how the Chinese would deal with this invasion by illegals.

  13. Briarhopper said on 22 Aug 2008 at 8:22 am:
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    edwardg, you are not funny. Us “Hillbillies” are quite proud
    of our culture and heritage. Here’s a “Dear Abby” for you:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9slMlrBHgjs

  14. edwardg said on 22 Aug 2008 at 1:42 pm:
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    Hey Briarhopper..take it light….What do you name a hillbilly girl ? Ilene…cause one legs shorter from walkin” around the mountains. Country people are some of the friendliest folks sometimes. So, I apologize if you thought it was meanspirited. Can’t wait to read the Dear Abby you put for me. Enjoy that clean mountain living . And North Carolina is one of the last states where people are genuinely friendly. It’s a good thing to be from the country. Again, sorry for any offence, there was none intended……..Let’s not end up like the Hatfields and McCoys. I’m on your side pal….You up here on a moonshine run?

  15. edwardg said on 22 Aug 2008 at 1:54 pm:
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    Thanks for the John Prine song…very enjoyable. Did you know the difference between a southern girl and a northern girl ? Southern girls say “y’all can”

  16. TDB said on 22 Aug 2008 at 2:37 pm:
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    Now THAT is some diversity worthy of celebration!!! I’m referring to those friggin disgusting pictures posted by me-n-u.

    “Get the hook!!!”

  17. edwardg said on 22 Aug 2008 at 4:43 pm:
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    Mr. Briarhopper…See I’m showing respect you’ve earned. I kinda wish I was raised out in nature like you .. Then I’d know how to fish ,hunt,and grow vegetables. And, all the good things like that. I’m not one of the wealthy people who ridicule people from the country…I was just teasin a little…The world would be a better place if we’d been raised in a place like you did. Enjoy your day sir., don’t let a knuklehead like me ruin your day…I wasn’t trying to.

  18. Briarhopper said on 22 Aug 2008 at 9:37 pm:
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    Edwardg, No problem, I took it light anyway. I was just havin
    some fun. Us Hillfolks are like that. Why, these hyear Yankees
    livin’ in NoVa say we tawlk funny but hit just aint trooo!
    Nope, not on a moonshine run, but I still got Grampa’s old
    recipe. Makes good motor fuel too.

    Yer frend,
    Briarhopper

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