I get a lot of folks emailing me for information about the political scene, so here’s an installment of “Ask The Answer Guy” to make it easy for everyone. Enjoy.
Q: What’s going on in the presidential election?
Urkel and Joe Bin-Biden are running on the Democratic ticket for Vice-President, and Juan McAmnesty and Sarah Barracuda are running on the Republican ticket for President. I know, it’s confusing. Joe Bin-Biden is planned to suffer from an attack of “Golf Balls” (sort of like “Tennis Elbow”, only different) following a speech where he will describe his childhood the impoverished child of an African dung-beetle farmer, and withdraw. Biden will be replaced on the ticket by William Hung (of American Idol infamity). Hung will energize the ticket as providing an historic opportunity to elect an Asian/Pacific Islander as Vice-Vice-President (due to a lack of qualifications).
Q: How about locally? What’s going on in the race to replace Tom Davis?
Former Catholic priest in-training Gerry Connolly is running on the Know-Nothing Party ticket against Republican businessman Keith Fimian. Connolly is attacking Fimian for believing in the Bible while Connolly supports a radical Islamic School that leases county facilities and covers up sexual abuse of five year old children. Lacking a candidate that actually represents the ideals of their party, Democrats will run Jo Ann Davis as a write-in candidate in the 11th District on a platform of “Guns Scare Us All To Death” with the help of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s deep pockets. Gerry will retire from politics if he loses and move into a condo constructed in the median strip of the Fairfax County Parkway near Route 50 under the provision that he lose forty pounds so he can fit in the proposed building’s bathroom.
Q: Why is someone named Jody Wagner running ads on BVBL?
Jody made a deal to avoid prosecution for “misplacing” hundreds of millions of dollars in state revenue projections if she ran for Lieutenant Governor, fulfilling the promise that Democrats will run a candidate in every election. Think of her as a Bill Day who is actually a woman. The easiest way to burn campaign cash without accomplishing anything is to run ads on every Virginia political blog a year out from an election, which makes donors think she’s doing something useful with their contributions. What she’s actually trying to do is go bankrupt before the race really starts so she won’t get embarrassed in a guaranteed thrashing by Bill Bolling, who is seeking re-election. Her campaign is pretty much a fiscal life support program for Virginia bloggers paid for by liberals. It’s all good.
Q: I hear the name Judy Feder’s name mentioned when people are suffering painful bowel movements in the men’s room. Is she running again?
Yes. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) has a thing for Woody Allen look-alikes and is financing a “comeback campaign” based on the theme that Democrats will lower gasoline prices if they retain their party majority in the House. Feder is also moonlighting as a cabaret singer in Rockville in order to raise campaign funds, and she’s met with a wide diversity of civic groups ranging from the Socialist Worker’s Party to the Communist Party USA amassing a repectable army of volunteers. You’re going to have to put up with people praying for higher taxes until November, when Feder will finally fade away from the public eye and return to rendering her moving performances of Morris Albert’s “Feelings”, thrilling the members of the Virginia Partisans Gay And Lesbian Democratic Club at their monthly meetings in Jeanette Rishell’s basement.
Q: How about Manassas Park? Don’t they have an election as well?
Yes, the current members of the Governing Board decided they’d like to extend their terms for a few months, and moved their May elections to November, The incumbents have formed the “Taxes, Hooray! Party” and plan to outsource city management to Colonial Downs if re-elected. Mayor “Kim Sung Ill” Jones is running for Mayor against former Vice-Mayor Kevin Brendel who is mounting a write-in candidacy, promising “nekkid pictures” for anyone who votes for him. Jones fired back offering voters subcontracts for the renovations at Cougar Elementary, and banning political signage within city limits. This could result in a high-turnout election in the park, with precincts mobbed by as many as twenty voters, at least half of whom will be legally eligible to vote.
Q: What’s going on in the Senate race?
Some guy named Warner and some guy named Gilmore have both utterly bored the voters, who have been seeking out a more energizing candidate which they’ve found in a woman named Gail “For Rail” Parker. Parker’s candidacy focuses on the construction of a rail project to Marfa, Texas that will be powered by harnessing the mysterious lights that appear in the sky nightly since 1883. This would apparently aid in the Hurricane Ivan reconstruction, include the exploitation of a renewable energy source, and utterly bring global warming to a complete halt. The platform sure beats the heck out of watching two old fogeys blame each other for which one busted the state budget at some point in the past that no one can remember. The new television “Fringe” which focuses on exotic scientific research is being listed as an in-kind campaign contribution to Parker, boosting her finance reports such that it now dwarfs those of the Two Boring Dudes.
Q: So who’s going to be our next President and Vice President?
President Dick Cheney and Vice President Robert Duecaster. You heard it here first, folks.
[Don’t let those screams you hear bother you too much. It’s just the liberals. Their heads are exploding.]
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