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The Excuse Here Will Be Legendary

By Greg L | 10 December 2008 | Humor & Satire | 20 Comments

From the “Too Bizarre to have been made up Department”:

U.S. Customs officials at Dulles International Airport discovered the charred carcasses of three monkeys in the luggage of a traveler arriving from Central Africa.

The monkeys have been confiscated are being examined by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Picture yourself behind this guy in line for customs at Dulles.  They discover what’s in this guy’s suitcase, and you just have to imagine someone asked him why they were there.  You’re trying not to be obnoxious, but you lean ever so forward and cock your head as the suitcase owner mumbles back to the customs agent…

Meanwhile, some poor schmuck at CDC is wondering what he did wrong to be tasked with running forensic tests on overcooked whole monkeys instead of being on the forefronts of medical research.

The opinions expressed here are solely the views of the author, and not representative of the position of any organization, political party, doughnut shop, knitting guild, or waste recycling facility, but may be correctly attributed to the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. If anything in the above article has offended you, please click here to receive an immediate apology.

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  1. Wolverine said on 11 Dec 2008 at 2:26 am:
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    Don’t knock monkey meat. It’s a culinary delicacy in many parts of Africa. To each his own. You haven’t experienced anything until you’ve opened a friend’s fridge and found yourself staring at severed monkey heads. And, no, I’ve never eaten the stuff — although I must admit that sometimes you aren’t sure exactly WHAT you are eating, especially out in the African bush! Rice or millet with a good, hot sauce can cover up many things.

  2. BattleCat said on 11 Dec 2008 at 6:01 am:
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    Sack Lunch……not big on Airplane food.

  3. Rocky said on 11 Dec 2008 at 9:12 am:
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    “Bush meat” is not funny. Try Googling Bush Meat Disease

    Its not USDA inspected and AIDS is suspected to have been
    introduced to humans via primates. Just because some parts
    of the world view it as a delicacy doesnt mean anything in
    this country. Poverty serves quite a menu.

  4. Capetown said on 11 Dec 2008 at 12:24 pm:
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    They’re a delicacy in central africa, fetch a lot of money on the black market.

  5. Johnson said on 11 Dec 2008 at 12:37 pm:
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    Bush meat is the result of the greed driven, senseless slaughter of anything that moves in order to sell the protein for a profit. We’ve been begging the FDA for years to ban the importation of it. We won’t allow the importation of Italian or other European meat products unless the foreign company’s facilities meet U.S. standards, yet we allow passengers to bring in bush meat by the hundreds of pounds for “personal use”. Ethiopian Airways broke one of the baggage belts from the sheer weight of the unregulated food in the baggage.

  6. me-n-u said on 11 Dec 2008 at 2:22 pm:
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    This is way off topic but it is a must read! No wonder nothing gets done in Washington. AND WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SORRY FOR THE OWNER OF THE CLEANING COMPANY.

    Cleaning Firm Used Illegal Workers at Chertoff Home

  7. Wolverine said on 11 Dec 2008 at 4:19 pm:
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    I don’t disagree with your comments, Rocky. No one wants that stuff coming into this country, whether for health or fauna preservation reasons. The point is that, poachers and black marketeers aside, many of the poorest of the poor in Central Africa and elsewhere in Africa often find that “bush meat” is the only way to keep themselves and their families from starving. They rarely have a food bank around the corner in time of need, and food stamps do not exist for the most part. The crops fail often, largely because of poor agricultural techniques and natural disasters; and there is usually a very ineffective food delivery system even in emergencies. When you are hungry and your kids are hungry, you eat. Period. How is that any different from what our own ancestors did on the High Plains of Kansas, for instance? The corn and wheat crops fell to drought or grasshoppers, the cattle died in winter blizzards. They often only survived by bringing in wild game thoroughly uninspected by any USDA.

  8. Johnson said on 11 Dec 2008 at 4:28 pm:
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    The sad fact of the matter is: too many people, not enough resources.

  9. Rocky said on 11 Dec 2008 at 4:50 pm:
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    You make some good points, especially about the necessity of
    bush meat as a food source in Africa. I am a hunter and eat
    what I shoot. However, I am also well schooled in spotting disease
    during the cleaning process and do not depend on USDA to do
    it for me. Game animals only please. No bats, monkeys,
    or anything not specifically covered in the Virginia Game Laws.
    Good hunters exercise common sense when taking an animal.

    Our government is doing a poor job of teaching “immigrants” of our laws and dangers of bush meat. I understand the Brits are having a hard time teaching some of their “immigrants” that its not okay to slaughter animals in the kitchen of an apartment.

    If “immigrants” have enough money to fly and go through Dulles,
    then I think they also have enough money to buy safe food and do
    not have to depend on smuggled/imported bush meat in order to survive.

    I just did a quick Google search and could not find one
    recipe for a wolverine. Wonder why?

  10. Wolverine said on 12 Dec 2008 at 12:08 am:
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    Rocky, you want to find a wolverine , you are going to have to go to northern Canada or Alaska (or maybe Ann Arbor, but they seem to be in denial around there these days). The Inuits or Eskimos might have a few traditional recipes for those mean, mean critters. Fact of the matter is that the wolverines have all but disappeared from The Wolverine State and much of the rest of the 48, although there was a report a couple of years ago of one being spotted in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I don’t know if the Michiganders of the past actually ate those critters but I do believe the pelts were sold for profit. Fortunately for the old Michiganders, they did not suffer from the same drought and other agricultural calamities as their brethern in the High Plains. They got along pretty well on rabbit, deer, ducks, pheasants, and black bear as a dietary supplement. Many of them still do.

    Nice to hear from a hunter who actually knows the ropes out there. Assume that you also donate some of that well-inspected venison to the programs for feeding of the poor. Just watch out for those darn tics! Had a young, 30-something neighbor confined to a wheelchair for awhile because of Limes Disease. Nast, nasty stuff.

    Just as an aside, I read recently that the Virginia colonial legislature once had to put hunting limits on Loudoun County. Turns out that Loudoun farmers, facing a tough time with the crop yields, had practically denuded the entire county of squirrel and deer. How times have changed!

    Those people coming through Dulles were here either to make some illegal cash or to fulfill the desires of comrades who were longing for a “taste of home”, if you will. On a certain level I can empathize with the latter possibility. I once spent two months in the African interior eating nothing but rice covered with peanut sauce and an occasional piece of some kind of meat mixed in (Rule No. 1: If you’re really hungry, never ask.). Drought plus a total breakdown in the transportation system. Lost nearly forty pounds. I would have given an awful lot for a Coke and a Big Mac, I tell you! I was finally brought relief, believe it or not, by a friend who drove a Land Rover overland to bring me a supply of American military c-rations.

  11. Rocky said on 12 Dec 2008 at 6:48 am:
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    I just got all choked up when I saw the term “American military
    c-rations”. Comfort food, just like Sarge used to make. (sniff..sniff)
    Brings back fond memories of “ham and lima beans” for breakfast
    and feeding “chopped ham and eggs” to the dogs because nobody
    else would eat them. I’d never realized what some of the world’s
    diet was like until spending a year in Northeastern Thailand
    back in 67. We were 9 miles outside Udorn and my first night
    there was an experience. My (Army) unit had the only electricity
    and the flood lights at our front gate attracted bugs that seemed
    gigantic. The entire village (Nong Soon) had turned out to feast
    on the daily fare and snatched them out of the air and ate them
    with gusto. They also ate “bush meat” of different kinds but
    I stuck with Sarges finest. Funny, after my tour was over, the
    first thing I wanted in San Fran was a Big Mac and a coke.

  12. Robert L. Duecaster said on 12 Dec 2008 at 10:14 am:
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    Rocky and Wolverine:

    I used a minnow trap and miniature flashlight to catch thousands of locusts in Kuwait. I boiled them in salt water and after straining I browned them on a cookie sheet and sprinkled with salt. Great tasting, but the legs would get caught in your teeth.

    Grilled monkey meat used to be (possibly still is) sold on the streets of Panama City and Colon. I rescued a baby monkey from a meat vendor and raised it for a few months until it took off with a local troop.

    Importation of bush meat is just another manifestation of the loss of control of our borders.

  13. Chicko said on 12 Dec 2008 at 1:09 pm:
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    bush meat was a suspected vector for HIV and other deadly viruses such as ebola and marburg. Not something to be messed around with, it may be a delicacy, but I would bet it’s not a tasty as a nice cow hamburger :)

  14. Wolverine said on 13 Dec 2008 at 1:59 am:
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    Rocky, you should have tried “Sarge’s finest” at Cua Viet on the DMZ in 1967. It all came with sand mixed into it…meat, bread, eggs, beans, you name it. The wind-blown sand never quit. You ate it and you slept with it. Much tougher even than eating that rice with peanut sauce. The grunts in the foxholes would beg to eat in the shipboard mess whenever an LST pulled onto the beach to offload.

    Right back at you with those big bugs. The kids in that place in Africa tried to get me to vary my diet a bit, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tear the wings off those flying termites and pop the juicy critters into my mouth! Maybe I should have tried Robert L’s recipe.

    Chicko, I hear ya! You keep on about that “bush meat” and you’re going to turn me into a hypochondriac after all these years! Never thought much (or knew much) about ebola or HIV in those days. But, I will tell you, the dysentery sure sticks in your memory! Probably got it from the c-rations!!

  15. Rocky said on 13 Dec 2008 at 3:48 am:
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    Thailand was the first tour. I wound up in Nam (69-70) with
    the 509th Radio Research Group. At least our sand was always
    mixed with jet fuel to make it slicker. A bottle of hot sauce could
    fix a lot of things. Just my luck, our hootches were about
    200 yards from a Nuoc Mam factor. Great aroma when the
    wind was right. I shouldnt complain though. The Air Force
    guys attached to my unit were always begging to eat in our
    mess hall. Theirs was like something out Oliver Twist.
    We had a puppy named Nixon and one day he disappeared.
    The MP’s at the gate were checking the locals as they filed
    out at the end of the day and one of them saw something
    wiggling in a laundry bag. He searched it and found Nixon at
    the bottom. He asked the guy what he was going to do with him
    and he pointed towards his stomach and licked his lips. The
    MP was our hero for saving Nixon and we all chipped in and
    bought him a case of Budweiser. Nixon drank four of them
    and passed out on top of a bunker. Wish I had a picture.

  16. Rocky said on 13 Dec 2008 at 11:35 am:
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    Whoops, meant to address the above to Wolverine. Sorry

  17. jfk said on 13 Dec 2008 at 10:02 pm:
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    Thanks guys for the stories. You both should write a book. I could read this stuff all night.

  18. Wolverine said on 14 Dec 2008 at 12:03 am:
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    Just leave it to Greg. The webmaster only has to throw out a couple of words like “monkey meat” and he sets off a chain reaction of nostalgia…or bad memories. Depends on how you look at it. Gives you a respite at least from thinking about politicians and illegal aliens.

  19. Jon Wong said on 14 Dec 2008 at 6:17 pm:
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    “BUSH MEAT”……Yum…Yum.

  20. Belle Hertanez said on 28 Dec 2008 at 11:04 pm:
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    Robert L. Duecaster said on 12 Dec 2008 at 10:14 am

    Grilled monkey meat used to be (possibly still is) sold on the streets of Panama City and Colon.

    Nothing completes 6 hours of shopping in Avenida Central like an ice-cold beer and mystery meat on a stick 8)

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