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William “Fireball” Wampler Sets New Land Speed Record

By Greg L | 3 June 2011 | Virginia Politics, Humor & Satire | 3 Comments

Those boys down in Bristol, VA sure are a humble lot.  Mentioned simply as an aside in an article about Senator William Wampler’s retirement announcement is the stunning revelation that he set a new world record for land speed the day before telling Virginia that he would not seek re-election in the Senate of Virginia.  I knew racing was an all-American, apple pie, mother and country kind of thing, but this “by the way, I blew through Andy Green’s world record of 760 MPH like it was tissue paper” kind of humility is a real testament to the kind of American values so strongly demonstrated down in Southside Virginia.  Way to go, Fireball!

Here’s the announcement from Lynn Mitchell over at Bearing Drift:

Noting that he was first elected in 1987 and had spent the past 24 hours logging close to half a million miles driving back and forth to Richmond, William Wampler, Jr. (R-40th Senate District), 51, announced in an interview this morning that he will not seek re-election.

Wow.  That works out to 20,833 miles per hour, and not only did he eschew the Bonneville Salt Flats but he used Virginia’s highways to do it.  VDOT really ought to base an ad campaign around this stunning achievement.  Can you imagine if there was one pothole along the course?  At that speed William “Fireball” Wampler would have been instantly transformed into pink mist had not Virginia’s demonstrably impeccable transportation infrastructure been up to the incredible task.

Fortunately there’s a provision in Virginia law that if a legislator is going to or coming back from official business he can’t be detained by law enforcement, which I suppose is why he picked a racecourse that went from his district to Richmond.  Can you imagine what kind of fine would be assessed for exceeding the speed limit by twenty-thousand miles per hour?  Geez, they’d probably make you hand over your house.  Then again, when you’re a popular figure who manages to revitalize auto racing in Virginia in a single day while blowing a world record out of the water, I guess you might deserve a little leniency.

After this, I don’t think William “Fireball” Wampler is going to need to work a day in his life.  The endorsements he’s going to be paid for are going to be incredible.



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3 Comments

  1. Anonymous said on 3 Jun 2011 at 12:50 pm:
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    Man, I gotta get me one of them cars he was drivin. I bet it wasn’t one of them foreign cars that DNC chairman, whatever her name is is drivin. Maybe it was a Ford with some mamma-jamma supercharged engine under the hood with something like a gazillion horsepower.

    The birthplace of NASCAR leads the way again! Yeah, baby!

    I wonder who was on the pit crew. Whoa, that would have been something with him just flying into the pit for new tires and a truckload of the hottest racing fuel ever blended. Sweet.

  2. Steve Thomas said on 3 Jun 2011 at 1:38 pm:
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    I’ll bet it wasn’t a hybrid. My guess a Crown-Vic with the “police interceptor” package.

  3. Willie Deutsch said on 3 Jun 2011 at 7:37 pm:
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    You rock Greg. I saw that in the article and was like funny mistype. Great response ;)

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