2011 was entirely boring and uneventful in Northern Virginia. Nothing at all of interest happened, except for floods, earthquakes, a furiously silly election season, the biggest historical reenactment and anniversary in 50 years, mass murders, redistricting, and well, okay. So 2011 wasn’t exactly boring.
With apologies to Dave Barry, here we go…
We discover that the lettering on Manassas Park police vehicles misspells “Manassas” while the resident spell checkers on the force can’t seem to find any cars in the lot with problems despite being given a photographic example. The Manassas Park schools are great, though. Really.
Supervisor Wally Covington, our resident creative campaign finance genius, decides the best solution to school overcrowding is to oppose new school construction and rezone land for additional residential development. Manassas Park vehemently denies that Covington is a product of their public school system.
Meanwhile, an illegal alien carjacks a local resident across the street from a day laborer center on Route 1, while another illegal alien sexually assaults a five year old girl in Manassas, and yet another murders three people in Manassas. Just some of those jobs Americans won’t do, I suppose, but don’t worry. Obama is going to set up some sort of a hotline about this later this year, and it’s gonna fix everything.
In partial answer to why taxes in Manassas Park are so darn high, we find out that City Attorney Dean Crowhurst gets paid $175 an hour to do a job with no performance criteria whatsoever, under a five year contract that was illegally approved in a closed meeting. You’d think that the sheer audacity of a city attorney advising to have his own sweetheart contract approved in an emergency closed session before new members of the Governing Board took office might warrant some sort of censure from the bar, but Crowhurst failed to meet the critical threshold of actually murdering someone needed to attract much attention.
Meanwhile in Prince William County, Battlefield High School is found to be displaying signs promoting a homosexual-themed club. Those signs are grammatically impeccable.
Also, a previously deported illegal alien kills a Fairfax man in an alcohol-induced auto accident, doing one of those jobs Americans won’t do.
The Virginia Senate defers to long-dead Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach to design a redistricting plan that can also profile voters by their choices for undergarments. To celebrate, KK Temptations in Manassas attempts to have wet t-shirt contest but is shut down when it is revealed that Manassas Mayor Harry Parrish will publicly dance without a leotard. Students and faculty at Battlefield High School begin to wonder why they’re missing out on the action.
Meanwhile, an illegal alien stabs a local man in the chest and leaves him for dead, a job Americans presumably are unwilling to do.
County residents learn that former President George W. Bush is personally responsible for Democrat Babur Lateef’s foreclosure, or perhaps Chairman Corey Stewart is. At any rate, it wasn’t Babur Lateef’s fault at all. Lateef goes on to run one of the most expensive campaigns in county history, claiming his record of strong decision-making makes him uniquely suited to carry on the work of Bernie Madoff. Surprisingly, Lateef doesn’t even come close in November.
The ACLU, which is aghast by the notion that homosexual websites aren’t available at Battlefield High School sends a nasty note to the Prince William County School Board threatening that they be subjected to selected images from the Senate redistricting plan unless they help promote homosexuality. In far less time than it takes to establish a math curriculum, the School Board surrenders. Battlefield High School will be renamed in honor of Ru Paul, prompting Supervisor John Stirrup to flee his supervisor seat in an attempt to escape to the Virginia Senate, where he would represent Ink Blot Number 13.
In her campaign to rid the planet of Space Aliens and Republicans with Funny Names, House candidate Jo-Ann Chase claims she is endorsed by the Virginia Citizens Defense League. After VCDL denies this and endorses her opponent David Ramadan, Chase attributes the mistake to a typographical error and that she really meant to say that instead of VCDL, she had actually meant the ACLU and that a campaign worker from Manassas Park was responsible for the typo. The electorate apparently accepts this explanation.
Seeking to conserve scarce campaign funds, Supervisor candidate Suzanne Miller begins her strategy of conducting her campaign at the events of other candidates. The tactic doesn’t quite work out for her and eventually her funds run so low that she has to sacrifice wearing undergarments for some time in order to pay for election-day robo-calls. That particular tactic helps her vault from fifth to third place in the primary, though.
Meanwhile, PWC Commonwealth’s Attorney uncharacteristically refuses to disclose whether Babur Lateef or George Bush is under criminal investigation for mortgage fraud, while an illegal alien is charged with performing “object sexual penetration” on a 14 year old, something no American applicant was willing to do.
Candidate Jo-Ann Chase makes the brilliant decision to threaten this blogger with a lawsuit if I release documents she herself filed in a court case. This gives everybody the opportunity to read about some of her psychiatric treatment history, which kind of explains a lot. Clearly, the health plan for Delegates in the General Assembly provides better coverage for psychiatric prescriptions than her current plan, but Chase ends up falling short and ultimately misses the opportunity to have taxpayers subsidize her meds. Soon after, the ground in Virginia trembles with the biggest earthquake in over a century as voters erupt in laughter reading these documents.
Prince William Democrats form a new political arm called “Virginia New Majority”, tying themselves to the open borders crowd. The Lord wills a hurricane to deliver substantial flood damage to the political base of the open borders crowd soon after, who are left with pleading for Mexicans Without Borders to come to their rescue instead of this new political organization. Only Frank Principi escapes the electoral carnage that swamps Prince William Democrats in November as illegal aliens beg for public assistance so they can continue unlawfully residing in the county after they utterly trash the public buildings used as temporary emergency shelters for them.
One of the illegal aliens “Virginia New Majority” is trying to assist manages to get nabbed for identity fraud, document forgery, DWI and driving without a license, apparently doing a job Americans refuse to do, like identity theft and forgery. But they enrich us. Really.
Manassas City decides to spend taxpayer funds fighting a constitutional amendment protecting your property rights this month, while Loudoun Sheriff candidate Ron Speakman decides to reprise Anthony Weiner by sending pictures of someone’s “junk” to a campaign volunteer. It’s hard to figure out which is dumber - spending taxpayer money to support eminent domain abuse or sexually harassing your campaign volunteers, but in this instance Wally Covington is not in any way responsible for what happened.
Democrats manage to hold onto many of the Senate ink blots in Prince William County, but not quite enough to maintain control of the body, while a local TSA employee demonstrates his professional screening skills during his off hours with a county resident. Yes, government is our friend, and is entirely trustworthy, and those who run it deserve re-election.
Without missing a beat, Wally Covington proposes funneling $100,000 from a taxpayer financed political slush fund he controls to a charity his wife runs, putting him solidly on par with Chicago politicians and quickly making him the most reviled elected official in the county. Meanwhile, an illegal alien is sentenced in Prince William County to 20 years in prison for killing a three month-old infant.
Mexican drug cartel members are arrested in Fairfax and Manassas, demonstrating the unique cultural and economic exchanges we have with Central America that enrich us so much. We’re so fortunate.
Manassas Park Mayor Frank Jones offers his condolences to the North Korean People on their tragic loss of “Dear Leader” and offers up Dean Crowhurst as an official mourner, who will be paid $175 and hour in taxpayer funds to stand vigil in a vacant commercial space in City Center with the lights out for eight hours. In further celebration RPV announces our choices we will have the great honor of choosing between Mitt Romney and Ron Paul for the Republican Presidential nomination in Virginia and President Obama sets up a hotline for illegal aliens to report on any authorities trying to deport them, including the “butt slasher” if authorities ever manage to find him.
The country is in fine shape, and we’re just waiting with baited breath to see what 2012 brings.
The opinions expressed here are solely the views of the author, and not representative of the position of any organization, political party, doughnut shop, knitting guild, or waste recycling facility, but may be correctly attributed to the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. If anything in the above article has offended you, please click here to receive an immediate apology.
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