I have a supremely low tolerance for idiots, especially the kind that are determined to gain my attention and waste my time. Take for example Mr. Joe Glean of Alexandria, a perennial candidate for just about anything who decided to run as a write-in candidate for President this year. He was prepared for this daunting challenge by virtue of his race against Scott Surovell in the 44th House District last year as the nominee of the Independent Green Party, during which time he amassed a campaign finance fortune of exactly $189.
Armed with the premonition that his candidacy for President of the United States this year wasn’t likely to prevail, Glean settled in a rather unique contingency strategy that just might allow him to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat: claim the persons nominated as electors by the Democratic Party of Virginia to be electors for his candidacy, and then raise a stink when these electors had the gall to actually cast ballots for Obama in the event Obama won the popular vote in Virginia. Well, the first part of that strategy worked pretty well, given that Glean didn’t quite prevail in Virginia and Obama won.
To Glean’s utter horror however, the State Board of Elections is reporting that Obama won Virginia and making no mention whatsoever of Glean’s quixotic and rather silly campaign. This has prompted a flurry of emails from Glean to the State Board of Elections demanding that they request an opinion from the Attorney General that would establish that Democrat electors are free to switch their vote from Obama to Glean, since Glean named them all as his electors. So far SBE’s reaction has been admirably professional and polite, although I imagine they have established a historical repository for demands such as these in a box colloquially called “the looney bin.”
If this has your head spinning, you certainly aren’t alone.
Glean’s strategy to execute this grand plan and nab those 13 critical electoral votes from Virginia is to raise awareness of his nutbaggery by posting frequent messages on the facebook page of the Manassas Tea Party. Because, well, everyone knows that the key to success in any Presidential Campaign is to ensure that each and every member of the Manassas Tea Party is solidly in your corner, whether they have the faintest idea of what you are rambling about or not. In this instance it’s certainly a case of the latter. Up to this point his posts stand, probably for the sheer entertainment value they provide to people who are perhaps wearied by their studies of Constitutional law and public policy and might benefit from a little diversion, even if it were from reality.
The Joe Gleans of the world are a testament that we will tolerate a lot for the cause of freedom - even blithering idiots with incomprehensible delusions of grandeur, sometimes suffering confusion regarding what appendage weather-resistant footwear should be placed on. (Disclaimer: the boot on Glean’s head is a photoshop, but since write-in candidate Vermin Supreme started sporting one I’ve adopted it as the uniform for Presidential write-in candidates) Regardless, they’re still annoying cretins that waste people’s time and taxpayer money, quite worthy of our derision and disdain for turning our electoral process into a joke for no purpose beyond feeding their personal amusement, or perhaps sharing their mental health issues with people who don’t need to be bothered with them. They’re a minor annoying pestilence, a perennial monument to human foolishness, and an unfortunate example of the results of our current educational system.
Mr. Glean, there’s a space underneath a rock somewhere in Alexandria that would fit you like a glove. Discover it and make it yours.
The opinions expressed here are solely the views of the author, and not representative of the position of any organization, political party, doughnut shop, knitting guild, or waste recycling facility, but may be correctly attributed to the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. If anything in the above article has offended you, please click here to receive an immediate apology.
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