In Prince William County budget season is once again upon us, and that makes it time for government officials to talk to us about pizza. Apparently we eat too much pizza, as it seems that every year they lecture us that if we do not reduce our pizza intake by some arbitrary amount and hand the savings over to government in the form of higher taxes, we cannot possibly avert the impending and otherwise entirely unavoidable global apocalypse of anthropogenic (man-made) stupidity.
“Pizza Math” was apparently invented by failed Democratic candidate Sharon Pandak in 2008, who wanted to impose these dietary controls on families in Prince William County in order to restore money cut from the budget during the housing bust. It was the Great Government Pizza Redistribution scheme, designed to seize pizza from the mouths of hungry Prince William County residents in order to provide pizza to hungry Prince William County residents, plus the required overhead needed to ensure there were enough government bureaucrats to certify that the proper amount of pizza was redirected from and to the proper mouths.
Utopia is but just one slice of redistributed pizza away, is it not?
Unfortunately, pizza inflation is at hand and now Schools Superintendent Steven Walts is informing us that our entire school system, and indeed life on the planet as we know it will collapse unless Prince William County families reduce their diet not by a few slices of pizza a year, but a whole pizza pie each and every month. The government needs your pizza, comrade, and your Heroic Sacrifice for the Revolution will make it possible for Prince William County to willfully ignore stagnant teacher salaries and chronic classroom overcrowding while it instead employs your tax dollars to install $40,000 AgitProp Electronic Billboards in front of each of the county’s 86 schools, spend millions to construct swimming pools and indoor theater spaces in new, luxurious, low carbon footprint, LEED certified, architectural monuments that only incidentally warehouse children so they can be subjected to Pearson Education’s Outrageously Expensive Government Re-Education Pedagogical Scientific Experiment, and of course subsidize lunches for Prince William County’s highest-paid public employee, Dr. Steven Walts. And give him a free car. And fund his lavish retirement program, which will pay more for him not to work than the average Prince William County resident could ever dream of getting for actually working.
How to raise revenue for electronic billboards in the classroom, because chalkboards have never worked for education.
Without your personal sacrifice it will become impossible to adequately train tomorrow’s workforce by conducting scientific experiments on the critical pain threshold of children with “death by powerpoint” on $10,000 “smartboards” in each and every classroom in the county. Or experiment with emerging asymmetric warfare interrogation techniques that are given creatively innocuous sounding code-names such as “Brain Pop” and “iStation.” Or ensure that there are adequate employment opportunities at the Chinese child slave labor camps which manufacture the Apple products used to teach county students how to play computer games in secret laboratories whose funding can never be disclosed in public documents for reasons of national security, or something.
Your hunger is comparatively such a small sacrifice, and it’s only once a month. Yes, you’ve already given up your health insurance, your health savings account has been terminated, and your private retirement savings account is being greedily eyed by the government because it needs that money to meet the interest payments on the federal debt that government created by giving it to bankrupt “green energy” companies and paying bonuses to all the new IRS agents who are going to ensure you are buying new, insanely expensive health insurance policies that you cannot afford and which won’t actually cover your health costs through a massively expensive website that doesn’t work. Yes, your income hasn’t grown at all this year. But this is for the children, although they are in fact the same children we’re going to deny food to once every month, but you’re doing it for their benefit. It’ll build character.
You’d think for all the emphasis Prince William County puts on creating low-end retail and service industry jobs, we’d just stop all this demonizing of restaurants that serve pizza. It’s not their fault our bond interest payments are going to explode during the next five years, which will inevitably result in confiscation not only of all the pizza we would otherwise feed our children with in order to pay for that, but all of our Cheeseburger Big Bites, Whoppers and Colonel’s Original Recipe as well. Without fast food in Prince William County, there’d hardly be anyplace for non-English speakers to earn illegal below-minimum wage salaries. Killing that vital sector of the economy would be a sociological disaster of utterly epic proportions, without any doubt.
This ‘War on Pizza’ must end. First, they came for your pizza, and I did not speak out, because I am lactose intolerant. Then they came for your Big Macs, and I did not speak out because I don’t speak Spanish and thus can’t order one. Then they came for my Taco Bell, and there wasn’t a fast food restaurant left for me to get a quick meal, and I went hungry.
Oh, the humanity.
The opinions expressed here are solely the views of the author, and not representative of the position of any organization, political party, doughnut shop, knitting guild, or waste recycling facility, but may be correctly attributed to the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. If anything in the above article has offended you, please click here to receive an immediate apology.
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